NEW REVIEW!!
SUPERMAN RETURNS
(2006, dir. Bryan Singer)

As the film began and the lazer-ish credits and asteroids flew past me to the tune of a John Williams theme, I thought to myself: “Wow. Here we are. Thirty years down the road and we are still humping Star Wars like a dead drunk prom date we can’t bear to bring home.” The latest entry in the superhero genre (which a mere six years ago I had hoped would be eclipsed by Peter Jackson and his Hobbits) resurrects another comic book icon ready for his post-9/11 close-up… SUPER FLIPPING MAN!



That’s right! The guy in the tights. The American ballerina himself. The bulletproof Baryshnikov returns. And what does he do? Why… what any super-powered being dabbling in a bit of vigilante justice does… he stops some bank robbers. I swear to God. In one scene, I full-on expected the robbers to be carrying white bags with dollar signs on them. While the production design of the film at one point was wisely leaning toward an otherworldly indefinite time period, things like cell phones give away what century Superman has decided to return to. And forgive me if it seems a little disheartening that this self-proclaimed “savior” would rather throw down with petty thefts then resolve conflict in the Middle East.

So how do you review this movie? Do you just chalk up popcorn superhero flicks as a viable genre and get on with it? Or do you really question the manufacturing and media-saturating evil plan of it all? I mean, the constant bombardment of the Superman Returns marketing campaign on the rest of my life seems like something nemesis Lex Luthor would cook up. Whatever, I’m boring myself.

Cue Brando voiceover. Blah blah blah blah. Eve Marie Saint. Looking good. Making me think of On The Waterfront. Good movie. Wait. Superman… right. What’s happening? Blah blah blah. Who’s this guy who looks like Christopher Reeves? Did I go to college with him? Blah blahblah blah blah blah. Daily Planet. BLAH. Pulitzer BLAH BLAH unnecessary Christ imagery yawn yawn BLAH BLAH …………………Wait. Did he just narrowly save a plane full of reporters about to barbeque under a space shuttle in the earth’s atmosphere by cushioning its fall in the middle of a BASEBALL FIELD?!

GOOD ONE SINGER! I would like to say here and now that Bryan Singer is a great director. His rhythm and ability to compose shots that reveal action instead of dictating it catapult him into a completely different league than any of the other indie-turner-action filmmakers out there. He’s like Spielberg without all the shots of people looking at stuff. He lets you/the audience do the looking. And what keeps Superman Returns from being a great movie instead of a good one is no fault of his. That lies with the screenwriters whose idea of suspense is people saying “We have to go back!”

The acting was pretty good for such a mediocre script and meandering third act. Brandon Routh. I am sold on you. It’s fine. I’m woman. I’m sorry. The way that guy lifts heavy things… REALLY hot. Kevin Spacey. IS. MY. FATHER. IN THIS MOVIE. No really. That’s my father. Lex Luthor is my father. Parker Posey seemed to be on the verge of tears for most of the film. Kate Bosworth shows up with her weird eye and her no-ass and her eating disorder to portray, someone said “Lois Lane”, but I was sure she was doing a dead-on high school-play-version of Kim McAfee in Bye Bye Birdie. God how I longed for Jennifer Jason Leigh to show up and reprise her role in The Hudsucker Proxy.

To go back to my original question, where does this leave us? As far as summer blockbusters go (and that Spiderman 3 trailer looks TASTY), Superman Returns is a healthy step in a generally good direction. Is it a good film? No. It’s too self-aware to be good. The Superman character is too steeped in a pop culture history and an archaic medium that he will never be successfully translated to a cinematic persona. Guys. Superman was a comic book hero for a reason. Comic books are serial by nature and it’s the only place a ceaseless do-gooder like Superman can exist. You know serials? Right? Come on! Star Wars originated from them as well (look what happened there in the 21st century). Serials? Remember those? They’re called Law & Order now.

Bottom Line: On a scale of The Avengers to Pirates of the Caribbean(my personal favorite), I’d give this somewhere between Sky Captain and the first X-Men.