NEW REVIEW!!
MIAMI VICE
(2006, dir. Michael Mann)

Wha… What was this? Wait a minute! WHAT WAS THIS?! Was this a movie or some bizarre science project I unwittingly volunteered for? What in God's holy name? I don't even know where to start. First of all, if you like Michael Mann, don't read any further. Just go see the movie. Don't even bother leaving me a comment about what a genius Michael Mann is. Just go see the movie and let's leave it that.

Still here? Great. You're probably a woman or someone with taste. Possibly both. This movie was absolute shit. Easily the worst film I have seen all year. It's not so bad it's good. It's just bad. I had no idea what was going on from the first frame to the closing credits. I couldn't see anything. It was really misogynistic. The female characters were all high or low class whores whose only purpose was to go to bed with the bland-as-vanilla male leads. I think Jamie Foxx and Colin Farrell did their acting in a soundproof vacuum somewhere and then Mann superimposed their images onto the landscapes he shot with his DV camera while on vacation in Miami and wasted out of his mind. The action sequences were scarce and when they did show up, were blurry and brutally, unnecessarily violent.

Look. Really. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be clever so much as I'm still reeling from what a colossal waste of time Miami Vice is. I truly had no idea what was going on. That was my biggest problem. If you saw the film and could outline the plot for me, I'd appreciate it. I just had no clue what I was supposed to be looking at or who I was supposed to rooting for. Somewhere around the 90 minute mark I thought to myself that perhaps Mann was going for some kind of French Connection thing but it lacked three things to make that happen: (1) a badass car chase (2) a compelling performance from a lead (or from any actor involved) and (3) a coherent script.

Even if you call me out and say you liked it you still have to agree with me that any script containing the line "You can't negotiate with gravity" should never get pushed past the pre-production/development phase. It should be burned. Also, what's with having the only Asian character suddenly saying "I got a fortune once that said 'Time is Luck.' " ?

Um... right. That's about as far as we get into character development.

Colin Farrell. This guy is an idiot. He couldn't get the basic physical elements of his role right. That accent was lazy. His facial hair was the most obscene thing I have witnessed in a while. He was gross and bloated. Jamie Foxx. Whenever he wasn't delivering a line, it looked like his mind wandered to wherever his fluffer mightbe at that moment. Gong Li's motivation seemed to be that she was desperate to check her blackberry after each take.

To the fans of Mann, I thought I told you to get out of here and just see the movie. Why are you still reading this? I will give the guy The Insider and that's it. He has not made a film before or since that I could get behind. I have no idea why some critics are giving this film good reviews. Perhaps there's something I'm missing. But I hated it. It was offensive and insulted my intelligence. The worst part? It was just plain boring.

Bottom Line: A horrific messy pile of horse crap. A misguided soft-core snuff-porn flick. If you like Mann or if you enjoyed the movie, do not leave me a bitchy anonymous message. Just write a review and I'll link to it. I'm interested to know what pearls others could possibly garner from this inane exercise in stupidity.