There was a point during this movie where I actually got severely suicidal. I left the theater 20 minutes in, wandered to the concession stand, bought a lot of crap to stuff my face with and then returned to my seat knowing full well that I had missed nothing. That nothing had been said or done in that 5-10 minute period that would be at all important to the plot or my continued non-enjoyment of the movie. It is a very good thing that there were no sharp objects such as knives or nail files anywhere near me. I would have hurt myself at some point. Probably during the inexplicable monkey part.
If you liked this film, you either A) lack the gift of sight or B) are living a lie.
Raiders of the Lost Ark is, without a doubt, one of my favorite movies. It is up there with Back to the Future as a concisely and brilliantly written and edited piece of film. I have more appreciation for Raiders than Bergman's entire oeurve or Antonioni's architecture-obsessed mise en scene or Wilder's dialogue or Kubrick's painstaking quest to achieve ultimate uncomfortability. Raiders is pure and simple a piece of 20th century myth-making that fuses ancient storytelling with lustful American capitalism.
How fucking DARE Lucas and Speilberg throw up an unnecessary Ray Winstone into the already disastrously busy plot as a greedy and duplicitious rogue in order to eventually punish his avarice and disloyalty? FUCK YOU!!! Was it not enough for you both to plunder and squeeze the last remnants of any originality and romance and (LET'S JUST GO THERE) magic from a beloved national treasure of an idea... did you also have to INSULT MY INTELLIGENCE by cutting away from any potential fun to wink at me with a character that, for all intents and purposes, is a thinly veiled caricature of your own insatiable hubris?!?!? By that line of logic, I should be allowed to tar and feather you both in a public place while shoving your Oscars and wads of money down a garbage disposal. Let the punishment fit the crime.
This movie was HEART-BREAKING. Not disappointing. HEART-BREAKING. My heart broke during the insufferable two hour plus run time. Not only was that crystal skull a plastic bowling ball full of tin foil with the face of Donnie Darko's Frank the Bunny. It was an obnoxious red herring posing as an artifact in order bring me through what might have been the tenants of scientology. Harrison Ford looks game and spry enough and seems to be the only person involved with this project who had any interest in retaining an inkling of adventure or irreverance. Too bad the filmmakers do everything but clock him with an alien carcass to squash his spirit.
Why was Cate Blanchett in this movie? Why was Shia LeBeouf in this movie? Why was John F-ing Hurt in this movie? Do these people hate themselves? Does anyone have any interest in creating something fun and exciting? Or is it just too tempting to phone it the hell in and grab as much money as possible when Paramount calls them up as says "MAKE IT RAIN, BITCHES?! MAY 22! THAT'S ALL WE GOT! THAT'S ALL WE NEED! A RELEASE DATE!! EVERYTHING ELSE WILL FOLLOW!"
No it won't. Nothing happened. I felt like I was invited to a party and when I showed up instead of wine and cheese I got a chloroformed hanky to the face and woke up two hours later without a kidney in a tub full of ice.
Marion Ravenwood. OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not fair. Just not fair. Marion and Indy. In my mind, they are Rick and Ilsa. They are Rhett and Scarlet. They are who I want to be when I grow up. Please. Why wasn't an even mild attempt made to give them a suitable and glorious reunion. Karen Allen and Ford were TOTALLY DOWN. You can see it in their faces. But you know what's more important apparently? More important that developing and crafting and lovingly nurturing an already poignant and fantastic love story? YOU KNOW WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT?! Ants. Aliens. Scientology. Money. Making the most money possible with the least amount of effort.
Bottom Line: Life is unfair. Then you die.
12 comments:
Most of reviews I've read so far are positive, but I'm not very surprised this became a wreck trying to mold it in a standard blockbuster.
This review is brilliant.
I’ve been saying this for a couple years now, prepare yourselves; they’re going to remake the Princess Bride. You know it’s coming. It’ll star whoever the current Hanna Montana and Shia LeBeouf are. Also Jim Carry will be somehow prominently featured. Worst of all, they’ll probably enlist Billy Crystal’s corpse to reprise his role, and in doing so, not only will they kill the last bit of my childhood, they’ll usher in the Apocalypse. Get ready, it’s coming.
Haha . . . aliens.
HAHAHA! This is amazing.
TERRIFIC piece, and your heartbreak is palpable. That's much the same feeling I had when I watched this - that not a single person who helped create it cared as much as I had.
Lucas was infamously quoted as warning the fans that this would be "just a movie". It's pretty much the only thing he's been right about since 1989.
SUCKED. SO. HARD.
as an aside, I thought of a great title for a Todd Solondz film:
"Pommelhorse"
Don't know why it works, it just does.
"John F-ing Hurt"? Why don't you curse like a normal person?
I couldn't agree me. You put all my frustrated thoughts into a somewhat organized and very coherent article. Thanks.
If they DID make that Princess Bride movie, you can rest assured, George Lucas, Jerry Bruckheimer, Harvey Weinstein, or whatever other producer made it: it was me. That bullet that went clear through your fat, evil cranium and scraped your mistress' fake tit, was launched from the barrel of a gun whose trigger I pulled.
Also, another brilliant review, Arden.
情趣商品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣,情趣,情趣用品,情趣商品,情趣用品,情趣,情趣,情趣用品,情趣商品,情趣用品,情趣,情趣,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品.情趣,情趣,情趣,情趣,視訊聊天室
麻將,台灣彩卷,六合彩開獎號碼,運動彩卷,六合彩,遊戲,線上遊戲,cs online,搓麻將,矽谷麻將,明星三缺一, 橘子町,麻將大悶鍋,台客麻將,公博,game,淘,中華職棒,麗的線上小遊戲,國士無雙麻將,麻將館,賭博遊戲,威力彩,威力彩開獎號碼,龍龍運動網,史萊姆,史萊姆好玩遊戲,史萊姆第一個家,史萊姆好玩遊戲區,樂透彩開獎號碼,遊戲天堂,天堂,好玩遊戲,遊戲基地,無料遊戲王,好玩遊戲區,麻將遊戲,好玩遊戲區,小遊戲,電玩快打
情趣用品,情趣,A片,AIO,AV,AV女優,A漫,免費A片,情色,情色貼圖,色情小說,情色文學,色情,寄情竹園小遊戲,色情遊戲,AIO交友愛情館,色情影片,情趣內衣,情趣睡衣,性感睡衣,情趣商品,微風成人,嘟嘟成人網,成人,18成人,成人影城,成人圖片,成人貼圖,成人圖片區,UT聊天室,聊天室,豆豆聊天室 ,哈啦聊天室,尋夢園聊天室,聊天室尋夢園,080苗栗人聊天室,080聊天室,視訊交友網,視訊
借錢,黃金,黃金回收,黃金價格,黃金買賣,當舖
A片,A片,成人網站,成人影片,色情,情色網,情色,AV,AV女優,成人影城,成人,色情A片,日本AV,免費成人影片,成人影片,SEX,免費A片,A片下載,免費A片下載,做愛,情色A片,色情影片,H漫,A漫,18成人
a片,色情影片,情色電影,a片,色情,情色網,情色,av,av女優,成人影城,成人,色情a片,日本av,免費成人影片,成人影片,情色a片,sex,免費a片,a片下載,免費a片下載,成人網站,做愛,自拍
this is pretty much the best review i've ever read, save one where the critic slammed the hell out of twilight. Your last rant simultaneously reminded me of al pacino in dick tracy "have you no PRIDE in what you do? No DIGNITY?" and Jeremy Piven in Entourage.
Post a Comment