New Review! VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA (2008, dir. Woody Allen) or "Are Tippi Hedren and Scarlett Johansson the same actress?"

At this point, seeing a new Woody Allen movie is like going to the dentist. You might be sentenced to hours of pain. You might escape with only a cleaning. I'm happy to say that his newest is an example of the latter.

You won't be too disappointed or too elated by the story of Vicky (Rebecca Hall) and Cristina (Scarlett Johansson)'s summer vacation in Barcelona and the hijinks that ensue. Both self-serving, over-analytical, sexually-misguided cardboard cut-outs of what women might be like in an alternative universe, Vicky and Cristina are approached within days of arriving by Don Juan (Javier Bardem) who in flawless English invites them to Ovieda for a good healthy boinkfest. His name might have just been Juan. But considering how broadly Bardem's character is written I'm surprised Allen didn't just call him Senor Honey Penis!

It's a testament to Bardem's skill that you immediately and consistently enjoy his character. Same goes for the fantastic Penelope Cruz who plays his unbalanced and violent ex-wife. They are worth the price of admission. In fact, the movie would have been spectacular if they had been the main characters. But no. This is a Woody Allen film and there are certain needs to be met. We need a titular Allen character for example. And if he isn't playing it BY GOD someone else will! This time the lucky actor is Brit thesp Rebecca Hall. Who I was not invested in for one moment. I got a whiff of "serious actor" from Ms. Hall which means her Juliet soliloquies are probably much better than her Diane Keaton impersonation. She came off as inveterate and frigid which led to complete dismissal of her character on my part. I doubt that was the point as the climax in third act depends on her emotional availability and your level of empathy for her.

A word on frigidity. I love Woody Allen. I auditioned for school with his opening monologue from Annie Hall. One of the first movies I remember seeing is Love and Death but whenever he brings up frigidity in women I always cringe. Cuz I'm like... "Maybe women just don't want to sleep with you because you're weird-looking. I don't know if you're the most authoritative voice on this subject." It's like Hitchcock's Marnie. It's not saying anything of narrative or thematic substance rather it's a window into the filmmaker's pathos. Is it too much to point out that this type of inadvertent dick-waving occurs when the career is on the downhill?

Come on now. It would account for Allen's constant and uncomfortable oogling of Scarlett Johansson, a former child actor who probably hasn't spoken to a human being outside the entertainment industry since she was 7 years old. You know how I know this? Because none of her characters nor her onscreen persona betray any kind of authenticity. Her pout, her inexpressive eyes, her overall blondeness has put her in the position of becoming Allen's Tippi Hedren. Beautiful and potentially iconic but utterly devoid of personality. Allen pursues her with a camera rather that himself because of his anatomical inadequacies. The past three films have been little more than excuses for men half his age (but easily a decade older than Johansson) to seduce and fornicate with her the way he would like to.

BOTTOM LINE: So here you get a movie where she makes out with two powerhouse actors. Who think they're making a actual movie. Not geriatric whack-off material.