INT. JOLIE-PITT MANSION - NIGHTFade in on Brad Pitt. He presses END on his cell phone. He catches his reflection in the framed Rothko that hangs in his bathroom. He is handsome, rugged but years edge lines around his eyes reminding him that Time is a Cruel Mistress and even his beauty cannot tame her.
BRAD PITT
Hey Ange! ANGE!
ANGELINA JOLIE (O.S.)
Jesus Fucking Christ, Brad! What the fuck is it?BRAD PITT
You won't believe who just called.ANGELINA JOLIE (O.S.)
Oh cock-sucking shit, Brad. Am I supposed to flipping guess?BRAD PITT
I'm trying to tell you something exciting, Ange. Something exciting just happened and you're acting like a See You Next Tuesday before I've even told you anything.Angelina Jolie enters. She's completely naked but for a pair of cut-off jean shorts. She has poop all over her hands.
ANGELINA JOLIE
You know what happened to me just a second ago? I was elbow-deep in twin-shit and I thought to myself: "Self, gorgeous self, you know what I would love right now? I would love SOMEBODY of their volition to go out and get diapers without me having to ASK. And then I would choke on SOMEBODY's cock for the next 30 minutes. Because I love feeling SOMEBODY's beautiful man-piece hit the back of my throat. Over. And over again. " But... no. SOMEBODY needs to tell me about their(poopy air quotes)
"phone call".BRAD PITT
That was Quentin Tarantino. He wants me to play the lead in his next film. His sixth film. Can you believe the guy's only made six films?
Angelina makes a "you know who" face.
ANGELINA JOLIE
I count seven.BRAD PITT
Oh, Ange. Kill Bill is one masterpiece that was ruthlessly released as two because of conventional movie-going practices. If this were the 70s, there would have had an intermission. I mean, it's gonna be called "Inglourious Basterds" but it's gonna be spelled wrong. Because SCREW spelling. And it's a World War II movie but it's done Tarantino-style. Because SCREW World War II. So, you know... it'll be splashes of horrifically funny violence mixed in with delicately written scenes where all suspense is spun with dialogue because SCREW film being a visual medium. And, yes, there will be almost every single signature Tarantino bit (like kind of uncomfortable foot fetish moment, long continuous one-shot of a party scene, inexplicable flashbacks to explain characters, title font that gives me a headache but minus the POV shot from inside a car trunk. Because they didn't have cars in 1944. Plus, SCREW cars.) And, also, it'll take place in a vaccuum where any humanity that characters might have had will be smashed to the ground with encyclopedic film references, unnecessary soundtrack choices and a general misanthrophic malaise Tarantino's developed over years of smoking pot and wiping money on his balls. I doubt he even remembers what it's like to be human. In fact, I bet he was replaced years ago with a film android who hears "Holocaust" and thinks "Pabst". Not Jews. You know why? SCREW jews! Harvey Weinstein told him it was fine to market the entire fantasy-wack-off-session as a Jewish wish-fulfillment movie. Harvey said that the American public are sheep and will be so enthralled with watching the finale: a theater of trapped Nazis burning alive. That people'll completely forget that millions of Jews were actually tortured and burned alive and they'll cheer. By the way, He and Tarantino don't care about humanity or the impact they have on culture as long as they have it. They're geniuses who survives on cigarette butts and children. And they'll rot in hell for eternity and they just doesn't CARE.(long sigh)
I envy that. So... I think I'm gonna say "yes".ANGELINA JOLIE
Whatever. Why did he call you?BRAD PITT
What do you mean?! He wrote the part for me. I even get to do my "Thelma & Louise" accent.ANGELINA JOLIE
Oh yeah. Sure, Brad. You make the same face in every movie. I'm sure the guy who directed arguably the most important film of a generation thought of you first.BRAD PITT
Who else would he call?Angelina makes a "you know who" face.
BRAD PITT
(in tears)
Oh man. That hurts, Ange.SMASH CUT TO:
INT. DEPP-PARADIS MANSION - NIGHT
Vanessa Paradis holds the phone away from her ear.
Johnny Depp, in a cowboy hat, enters rolling a cigarette.
Vanessa Paradis holds the phone away from her ear.
VANESSA PARADIS
(French accent)
Johnny? Phone!(French accent)
Johnny Depp, in a cowboy hat, enters rolling a cigarette.
JOHNNY DEPP
Is it Tim?VANESSA PARADIS
(French accent)
No. It is not Tim Burton. It's Quentin Tarantino.(French accent)
JOHNNY DEPP
I don't understand. I called Tim like a week ago and he hasn't called me back. Should I be worried? I don't know. I'm probably freaking out for no reason. But he's usually so good about getting back to me.
(exhales loudly)
ANYWAY, I'm gonna go skinny-dipping in the Mediterrean and do some peyote. If Tim calls let him know I thought of like twelve amazing children's books we can turn into unnecessary movies. Also, I left my "Ultra-Violence Violet" eye-liner at his house. Ask him if he's seen it. Max Factor discontinued the color.VANESSA PARADIS
(French accent)
What should I tell Quentin?(French accent)
JOHNNY DEPP
Tell him you don't speak English, honey. I love you! Mwah!
8 comments:
It's like I was there. Except, Brad doesn't have the Rothko in the bathroom, he has the Pollock in there. He changed it because Ed Harris was sitting next to him at a Cannes party a few years ago. Ed got all deep talking with everyone about art, acting, and other stuff Brad meant to hear but he got distracted by some boobs. The next day he remembered the conversation being thought provoking, and he looked up Pollock on Wikipedia. This was after doing unsuccessful searches for the painter named plate, palat, pollat, packers, pockers. He discovered that he didn't have one of Pollock's paintings yet, so he tracked one down and bought it. He then hung it in the bathroom with the secret desire that Ed Harris will come over, take a dump in his bathroom, see the painting, and consequently think Brad is deep. Ed would then tell every director in town and Brad would get every great half retard part in town. Angie hung the Rothko in the baby room because she thought it looked soothing. She hung it naked.
On a sidenote my girlfriend heard an interview with Tarantino on the radio while driving. She then came home and replied, "I heard Tarantino on the radio doing an interview... He's kind of a big dork!" I replied with a sigh "Yes, yes he is."
Ryhn
Favorite
Post
Ever
(and shockingly close to reality as i understand)
Best thing ever. Thank you so much.
hahaha pretty great.
I am indirectly involved in film distribution in Australia and the rumor over the past few months is that Sam Worthington has been attached to play an Australian war surgeon ( Craig Jurisevic) in a new war film to be directed by Eva Orner. Apparently based on his Kosovo war experience. I have researched the guy ( i.e., googled him) and he is a trauma surgeon in South Australia who somehow ended up fighting with the Kosovo Liberation Army against Milosevic forces during the ethnic cleansing campaign in Kosovo in 1999. Rumored to have set up a surgical unit in a cave at the frontline and conducted many patrols behind enemy lines to save fleeing refugees and injured fighters. Also worked with some US Special Forces during that conflict. Returned home quietly but subsequently joined the Australian Army in 2006 and was decorated for service in East Timor and Afghanistan. He is due to release a book in early 2010, but apparently the movie hawks have latched onto it even before its release. It has been quite hush- hush but a reliable source has told me that Worthington in soon to visit Australia to me the character he is going to play……
Has anyone got any more news?
If not, spread the word so that we can dig up some more info about this rising star.
Cheers !!!!
Tarantino is what happens to men who only eat Asian pussy.
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